Time for a confession! I’ve got no bloody idea what the hell I’m doing, but it feels right and I’m ploughing ahead.
This decade in my life is a full embrace of
The F*#@ It Fifties
The Fab Fifties,
you can decide based on your sensibilities.
I’ve slowly been discarding the layers of self over the past few years, but I’m fed up. Fed up of going so far and like a snail moving back into my shell. Why has it been like this? FEAR!
Ah fear, fear, fear, how it holds us back. So many fears, many that we do not recognize as such. It’s easy for us to remain in our status quo, avoid change, and enjoy life as it is, and if you are joyful this is fantastic. BUT If you are thinking is this it? Is there more? What am I missing? Then the need for change starts to scream at you from the inside. We often don’t recognize this internal scream because it shows up externally, maybe in the form of sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, weight gain, compulsive shopping, fear of rejection. You know it, you’ve felt it, but you don’t acknowledge it for what it is, the internal scream for recognition and a desire to break the old ways.
Even when recognized it can be hard to know what the scream is trying to say and how to react in a meaningful way. Fear holds us back from our true growth potential and ignoring this scream keeps us in what we consider as our safe place. It doesn’t matter if that is not a good place, the back pain, the anxiety attacks, the need for external stimulants, whatever it may be, it keeps us in a known place.
This scream has been a silent whisper in my ear. Yes there is more. The time for change is here. I’ve heard it and reacted, but continued to feel slight frustration with myself that my reactions are not enough, I’m still holding back. I’m still not in a place of this is it. Maybe we only know this is it with our last breath or never, or maybe you already have found your it. It’s not always easy when you are no longer prepared to settle and accept life as it is. The life of seeking can be confusing and contradictory, but yoga has brought me great inner stability, which is not impacted by external chaos. Although the external chaos seems to test me greatly at times.
While I’ve spent the past few years moving outside my comfort zone July has seen this taking on a life of its own. Stepping outside your personal comfort zone is an amazing way for personal growth. I’m feeling stronger and lighter with every action taken in the month. I’ve displayed my shoe collection (more on that in another blog!) to the world of Facebook by inadvertently selecting the News Feed Button when selling these on Marketplace, I’ve sold off many personal items collected over many years from all over the world, sold my car, lost my phone when overseas and swam naked in the chilly North Scotland waters (yes you read that right!)
I returned from Indonesia in March with thoughts of head down and focus on business, but the feet were still itchy and a trip to volunteer at a 21 day Hatha Yoga Program for close to 1000 participants in India highlighted the personal growth experienced from volunteering. My house is packed up and I’m now in India for at least the rest of this year to volunteer at the 21 week Hatha Yoga Teacher Training Program I did in 2017. I know this will be a very intense experience, but I’m prepared to step into this fully. The teachers made this program for us and it is fantastic to have the opportunity to do this for others.
What I’ve done in July has been pretty drastic and most people politely say nothing, but my son is not wired that way. You don’t always appreciate that your actions can create fear in others and I know my children fear that I am being lost to a cult. I know this is not the case and over time they will appreciate that I took myself to a place for growth, to become more than I currently am. This is about giving back and addressing my own fears, so that I can move forward.
Anyway here I am with no idea what the future holds, but as long as the breath comes we will live life to the full and look for new experiences wherever they are presented.
Without personal growth we become stagnant! We are about 72% water and when water becomes stagnant it stinks. I don’t want my life to stink so I’m exploring, discovering and enjoying.